Revenge of the Jersey Turnpike Terror
by Fritz Baugh
Summary: 2003: Timeline Year 22. The Extreme Team thinks their day is over after the bust at the phone company. They're wrong. More than one old Ghostbuster enemy is crawling out of the woodwork with plans of revenge. Not necessarily the scary ones, but still..
1. Chapter 1

**Extreme Ghostbusters: Revenge of the Jersey Turnpike Terror, Part One**

By Fritz Baugh  
GBI Case File GBNY-2003-21/134

* * *

**Chronology: Ghostbusters Omnibus Timeline Year Twenty-One (2003)  
GT+T New York Station 67**

* * *

"Heads down, Torgo!!!" Garrett Miller shouted, firing a shot from his particle thrower.

Eduardo Rivera muttered a curse and ducked. Garrett's beam caught the Class Five on Eduardo's tail--a blue ghost wearing a ball cap--at a glance, sending the spirit ( tongue perpetually sticking out of it's mouth) flying.

"Duh, Hey!!! That's not fun!!!" the entity howled in pain.

"You'll probably like this even less, _Senor_ Asshole Ghost..." Eduardo bit back, blasting the blue ghost, holding it fast in a confinement beam. "Where the Hell's Kylie? This _muchaco_ is ready to get flushed."

"She and Roland went after the other two, I...sonofabitch!!!" This as a pink arm reached through the floor and upended Garrett's wheelchair. The impact when he hit the floor jarred the his thrower loose from his grip, sending it rolling away about three feet.

The pink ghost--identical to it's fellow, save it's larger arms and painter's cap--leered maniacally at Garrett. Garrett knew the look well--the look of every bully who thought he had an advantage due to Garrett's unfortunate congenital handicap. _But more than one sucker's found out how wrong they were..._

The pink ghost lunged at him. Garrett caught him, the two grappling. The ghost was pretty strong, but Garrett Miller's upper body strength was nothing to slouch at either (that was one more lesson the bullies usually learned)

Roland Jackson was studying his PKE meter, Kylie Griffin right beside him, proton pistol armed. He pointed toward a box of phone books. Kylie kicked the box and the third ghost flew out--red in color, wearing a large, straw hat. "Don't hurt me don't hurt me don't hurt me!!!" it started to whine.

"Don't sweat it. It only hurts for a few moments" Kylie smirked, catching it in a proton beam.

Roland fired his own thrower, catching it in his own confinement stream. "Throw the trap!!!" he ordered calmly.

She switched off her blaster, and pulled the round ghost trap off of her backpack. A few seconds later, screaming "A whoo whoo whoo..." the red ghost was sucked inside.

Unlike the other three, who were wearing the latest model proton packs designed by Dr. Stantz (which were intentionally all but identical externally to the legendary original packs) Kylie had stubbornly insisted on keeping her proton pistol and deluxe trap.

Just about then, they heard Eduardo screaming Spanish insults.

"Maybe we better check on Eduardo..." Kylie grimaced. "He's probably in over his fool head again..."

"But the other ghost..." Roland started to say, though Kylie had already moved off. Even though she was married to him all but legally, Kylie sometimes made Roland question whether it was because she loved Eduardo Rivera, or because she relished the thought of saving his ass and lording it over him. Again. _I guess it isn't impossible for it to be both, actually..._

"Eddie!!!" she exclaimed as she ran up.

"Throw the f***ing trap!!!" he screamed. "It's trying to get away!!!"

"With language like that I'm not sure I should."

"THROW THE F***ING TRAP _POR FAVOR!!!_"

She smirked and threw the trap, quickly confining the blue ghost.

Garrett, meanwhile, had the pink ghost in a full Nelson. "Say Uncle, Sheet Breath!!! Say it!!!"

The pink ghost grunted and exploded into a cloud of pink ectoplasm.

It recongealed, and threw an obscene gesture toward Garrett---just before Eduardo and Kylie zapped and trapped it.

Garrett sneered with disgust. "Little buttf***er slimed me!!!" he said as he wiped the bright pink slime off of himself.

Kylie and Eduardo helped him into his chair, the former then retrieving the discarded proton gun.

"Where's Roland?" Garrett asked Kylie.

"He's still going after the last ghost."

Garrett rolled off "Then we better get moving!!! Put it in gear, Torgo!!!"

"DON'T CALL ME TORGO!!!" Eduardo yelled as they ran (and rolled)

Roland barely dodged the box that the fourth ghost--being orange with a derby--pushed down. It crashed to the ground scattering phone books everywhere.

"If there's something wierd at the phone company, who they gonna call?" Eduardo bantered.

"Nobody, if we don't do something about it..." Garrett finished, both Ghostbusters drawing a bead on the orange ghost.

Roland smirked, readying his own gun. "On three..." he barked.

"THREE!!!" all four shouted in unison, four beams slamming into the orange ghost.

"This sucks!!! This isn't fair!!! We will avenge!!! We will..."

The orange ghost vanished into the trap.

"Get sucked into the trap like a good little ghostie." Kylie observed.

The four whooped and carried on.

* * *

An hour later the familiar shape of the ECTO-1 was cruising through Manhattan toward the 30th street offices, a former firehouse, known as Ghostbuster Central. Roland was driving, as usual, and Eduardo and Garrett were having one of their usual deep, intellectual conversations...

"You mean you never noticed it?" Eduardo was saying incredulously. "I mean, it's so obvious: just lower the voice about maybe half an octave...The Brain sounds almost exactly like the Professor!!!"

"And Doctor Stantz sounds like Pinky, then?" Kylie suddenly interjected. "You'd have to be about as dumb as Pinky to think that..."

Roland raised an eyebrow...Kylie had gone into the first session of Parapsychology 101 with such an obvious crush on it's teacher...she had any hopes dashed quickly when a certain redhead with a Brooklyn accent sashayed into the class, but still...even with Eduardo and Chonchita, he figured that's why she jumped into the conversation so harshly.

"Doctor Stantz sounds more like Fred from _Scooby Doo_..." Garrett deadpanned. "I dunno, Kylie...I think Torgo has a little bit of a point...though what I was thinking is that Doctor Vee sounds like Garfield"

Roland rolled his eyes. "Make it stop..."

"And you sometimes sound just like that guy who was Will Smith's straight man on _Fresh Prince_..." Garrett said mischieviously.

"I do not!!!" Roland yelled.

"Hey!!! Over there!!!" Eduardo shouted, pointing off to the left. "99 cent Whoppers at the Burger King!!! And we handn't had lunch yet!!!"

Roland sighed in relief. "All opposed?"

No sound.

The ECTO-1 turned into the Burger King, Garrett and Eduardo chanting "Food fight!!!"

* * *

Someone saw them turn into the Burger King. His hollow blue eyes suddenly sparkled.

With hate.

He had dirty black hair and a straggly beard, with an enormous, hooked nose. He appeared to be dressed in what looked, at first glance, to be the tattered remnants of a lab coat that was way too big for him.

"It's them..." his voice snarled. He turned and ducked into an alley.

There was snoring coming from one of the two refrigerator boxes sitting next to the dead car, and a pair of decaying boots sticking out of the bottom.

As the man approached, a squirrel monkey in a beany with a propellor on top screeched angrily and threw it's feces at him.

The dirty bignosed man screamed at the monkey, and it hid behind the other refrigerator box, still hissing and growling.

The man kicked on the box. "Herbert!!! Wake your ass up!!!"

There was some whoozy grumbles, and the occupant of the box emerged. He was just as dirty, with a white beard just as unkempt and straggly. He was in what looked to be the remains of another lab outfit. The remains of a toupee sat atop his head like a dead animal. "Wha...what's got you in a knot, Norman? MacShayne's gestapo sweeping this street again?"

"Quit with the stupid jokes, Herbert!!!" the first man screamed. "We have our golden opportunity laid before us!!!"

Herbert blinked. "You found the Powerball winner when you were digging for lunch?"

"Even better, my friend..." the shorter man responded, grinning maniacally. "We have our chance to defeat the imposters..."

Herbert's eyes gleamed just as madly as Norman's.

"I'm serious this time!!! I just saw their clown car pull into the Burger King!!! Grab your gear and get moving!!!"

The monkey hit him with another piece of feces.

Herbert was trying hard not to laugh.

* * *

"Four Whoppers with everything" Garrett told the counter girl, winking at her, then turning to the others. "So what do you guys want?"

"_Madre dios, Senor_ Pigboy..." Eduardo sniffed. "I doubt Slimer would eat four of those in one sitting."

"Slimer's already dead and doesn't grow anymore." Garrett retorted. "Brooklyn Heights needs his strength to save the world from ethereal ickies. And other things." he grinned leadingly at the cashier.

Roland rolled his eyes and Kylie gagged. "More of Doctor Venkman's old cheap moves?" she sneered.

"Hey!!! These are my very own cheap moves!!!" Garrett responded

The cashier just rolled her eyes. _This is exactly what my older sister at the sub shop had to go through..._

The four Ghostbusters got seated and started to eat...

"Dammit...I said no pickles..." Eduardo groused.

"Just pick them off..." Kylie offered.

"It's the principle of the thing, Spooky...I..." Eduardo stopped, and wrinkled his nose. "What the hell is that smell?"

"Gross..." Roland remarked, suddenly noticing it himself.

Several other patrons were starting to make noise about the stench.

"Torgo, did you load your diaper again?" Garrett asked, unlike the other not stopping his eating yet.

"It isn't my fault this time!!!" Eduardo replied indignantly. "And don't call me Torgo!!!"

Just then a dirty squirrel monkey wearing a filthy vest and beany (with a propellor on top) jumped onto Garrett's head, howling and screeching. "Ow!!! Damn!!! Get it off me!!!" Garrett yelled. Then the monkey jumped off of him, grabbed a Whopper, and scampered under the table to devour it.

"Nobody move!!!" a pitched voice shouted, and the Ghostbusters turned to see two bums blocking the doorway. The two looked like they hadn't bathed in literally years. One had black hair and a huge nose. The other was sporting an ugly toupee.

"Uhhngh..." Kylie gagged. "I think we found the smell..."

The tall big-nosed man brandished what looked like a corny sci-fi ray gun attached to his battered backpack. "Today we get our revenge!!! Today we show that world that WE are the Ghostbusters and that Venkman ass and his friends are the imposters!!! Today..."

"Norman, I don't see that Venkman guy or the others nowheres..." the other guy interjected.

"Huh?" the taller man stopped, suddenly taking a look at his prey.

"Can we help you with something?" Roland asked calmly.

"Where the hell are the Ghostbusters!?" Norman ranted. "We saw their stupid clown car pull into this place!!!"

"We're the Ghostbusters, Dumpster Breath." Garrett informed him, still wiping his face after the monkey's attack.

"You want something to eat?" Kylie asked simply "You look like you can use it..."

The man with the gun lit up. "Well, now that you mention it..."

The taller man slapped him and screamed at him. "WE DON'T WANT THEIR PITY!!! WE WANT OUR REVENGE!!!"

"But Herbert..."

"Now where are they??? Venkman, Fat-ass, Supergeek, and the N..., um, African American one?! The real imposter Ghostbusters?!"

"You haven't been reading the newspapers, have you _Muchacos_?" Eduardo observed.

"Doctor Venkman and that team split up about ten years ago." Roland continued, something starting to roll around in the back of his mind. "Professor Spengler..."

"Supergeek" Eduardo clarified, bringing a dirty look from Kylie.

"Professor Spengler formed our team a little while back. So you see...we are the Ghostbusters."

The tall bum took it in for a few seconds, then seemed to have some sort of seizure. "Imposter imposter Ghostbusters!? Will the indiginity ever end?!"

The shorter bum started to back away. "Well, um, sorry to bug you but, maybe we better get going before the cops..."

"NO!!!" the tall man howled. "I WILL STILL GET MY REVENGE!!!" With that he grabbed the gun from the shorter man, and jammed on a button on one handle...

The device made a few little fizzling noises. Nothing else happened.

"JESUS MOTHERF***ING BULLS**T PIGF***ING CHRIST!!!!" the tall bum screamed and slammed the device to the floor, clearly losing it.

The shorter man heard sirens starting to approach "We gotta split, Herbert..." He whistled under the table. "Elizabeth Two?" The monkey run out, part of a Whopper bun still hanging from it's mouth.

"NO!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! I'M THE REAL GHOSTBUSTER NOT THEM!!! I MUST HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" As the taller man continued ranting similarly, the shorter man dragged him off. The monkey stopped to bite the tall man on the butt as they left.

The four Ghostbusters just sat and looked at each other.

"Anybody have any idea on God's green Earth that was all about?" Garrett asked the other three.

They shook their heads in unison.

* * *

As the ECTO-1 rolled into Ghostbusters Central, a short but indomitable redheaded woman in her mid forties was wiping her green-trimmed, triangular glasses as she talked on the phone.

"...Pulled the same kinda thing at Katharine's, Mom." They had all noticed her Brooklyn accent became more pronounced when she was talking to her family. "They built a volcano in her bathtub. 'Course she wasn't quite as upset by it---'Kind of nice to have kids building volcanoes in my house again'. You should've seen Egon turn red..." She nodded and made agreeing sounds as her mother spoke to her some more. "No, no, no...believe me, they rewire your toaster again, and they get banned from watching Bill Nye for a week--it's that simple. I keep tellin' you, Mom, call Katharyn for survival tips...she knows how to keep minds that precocious in check. And maybe offer her some tips--dealing with more than one high-strung kid at a time is HER new territory..." Some more talk back. "Look, Mom, I gotta go...Roland and the gang just got back. Love to Dad, allright? Bye..."

Janine Melnitz Spengler, Chief of Business for Ghostbusters New York (the original New York franchise of Ghostbusters International), regarded her employees and wrinkled her nose. "What the hell have you been playing in? I thought the job was at the phone company, not the junkyard..."

Slimer appeared, and sniffed at the four Ghostbusters. He babbled something that sounded vaguely like "Garbage?"

"A long story, Ma'am" Roland replied simply.

"Must be a good story. Garrett looks like a monkey peed on his head"

Garrett grimaced. "Everything but"

"Where's the Professor, Ma'am?" Roland asked her.

"Upstairs with the twins. What's up?"

"Something weird happened tonight...we think he might know something about it"

"Give me a sec to send these little twerps to thier new home..." Kylie said, hefting the ghost trap. "Then Eddie and me really need to get back to Carlos' and pick up Conchita."

"You know Beth and Kevin don't mind lookin' out for her..." Eduardo replied. "It was kinda nice with just the four of us gettin' out and bustin' some ecto heads."

"It was a lot like old times..." Roland agreed.

"Yeah, I know..." Kylie nodded. "But I don't want to overimpose on Beth or anything...do that too often and she really will mind the imposition, whether she says or not."

"Maybe we'd better get with Professor Spengler quickly, then..." Roland recommended.

* * *

"All right, now...this is the good part..." Professor Egon Spengler, Chief of Research and member of the Board of Ghostbusters International, said in his most serious tones.

The two four year olds were transfixed, their eyes wide with anticipation.

_Murray the Mantis opened the door to his apartment, still grumbling about the strange encounter with the Herb King...and did an exaggerated wild take_

"SOMEONE'S REARRANGED THE FURNITURE IN MY APARTMENT!!!" Murray cried.

The screen cut to the Hypno-Snake, laughing hysterically "My brilliant revenge!!! Muh ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

The two kids and Egon were in stitches.

"No accounting for taste...." Eduardo sniffed.

At this point, Johnathan Christopher heaved a piece of popcorn at his sister. He was tall for his age, and already showed signs of having his father's distinct jaw line. But the mop of red hair on his head and the mischievous gleam in his green eyes were clearly inherited from his mother...

"Do not throw popcorn at me!!!" Eden whined back. She was also tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes. But the tone in her voice as she yelled at her brother couldn't help remind Egon of Janine's _I don't have time for this shit, Doctor Venkman_ mode...

"Does it hurt?" he teased, throwing another.

"That's enough..." Egon said sternly. "There will be no throwing of popcorn or any other food item this evening. Bill Nye is about to come on, and you mother made it quite clear that if you don't behave..."

"Recieving loud and clear, Pop." John Christopher replied, sitting up straight.

"Understood, Father." Eden chipped in.

Egon noticed the Ghostbusters standing in the rec room; he rubbed both the kids' heads affectionately as he got up. "Enjoy, children...this is a good one, but I've seen it three times already and it looks like the Ghostbusters want to talk." He turned just as John Christopher began to grin maniacally. "And don't forget I can deactive any electrical appliance in the firehouse at will. Is that understood...Son?"

John Christopher laughed weakly. As soon as Egon turned, Eden stuck her tongue out at him.

* * *

"You look as though you have something on your mind." Egon asked the four, now back in the garage with Janine. "A problem with the job?"

"Nothing of the sort--pretty standard zap and trap..." Garrett smirked. "I already gave Mrs. S the payout--$8000 and free voice mail..."

"It's more...well...what happened after the job..." Roland clarified, then beginning the account of the strange encounter in the Burger King.

"A big nose, you said?" Janine asked.

"Yeah...we're talking Jimmy Durante schnozz action here..." Roland commented.

"Who's that?" Eduardo asked, clearly confused.

Kylie rolled her eyes. "No taste for the classics."

Kylie produced the battered, dirty weapon the shorter man had threatened them with.

Egon and Janine looked at each other. "I thought so..." she growled.

"You know who they were?" Roland asked expectantly.

"Norman Draverhaven and Herbert Loone" Egon answered flatly.

"Who?" Eduardo asked, confused again.

Janine rolled her eyes. "Back when we hit it big, this moron Dweeb showed up and loudly declared that he was joining the Ghostbusters. After Doctor Venkman pantsed Dweeb and threw them out of here, he started to make a lot of noise about how they were the Ghostbusters and Egon and the guys were just frauds."

"Loone was obsessed with Peter." Egon interjected. "He was also a college roomate of Draverhaven's and also insisted on joining the team. He invented an authentic ghost containment device, a 'ghost sponge', but it proved more dangerous than useful"

"But that wasn't enough." Janine continued. "They was jealous of the guys---Doctor Venkman especially---and put together this budget anti-ghost weapon, a 'photon pack', (Adonai knows how, as neither of those two seem to have the brains to screw in a lightbulb), and Dweeb went on a supposed crusade against a 'vast, otherworldly conspiracy'"

" 'Vast, otherworldly conspiracy'?" Garrett said, practically choking on the words, trying not to laugh too hard.

Egon and Janine exchanged a meaninful look.

"What?" Kylie asked, genuinely curious now.

"They did indeed have a foe. A rather disgusting Class Five calling himself 'the Sleaze'..."

Garrett grinned evilly as he looked at Eduardo.

"What?"

Egon cleared his throat loudly. "Um..anyway..."

"The truth is that Egon and the guys busted this 'Sleaze' dork in about half an hour" Janine said, not without a bit of smug pride showing. "After that, Dweeb and Loone were complete laughingstocks, and just kind of vanished from public view. We kinda wondered what happened to them after the asylum they were sent to closed..."

"So now we know." Garrett intoned with mock graveness.

"Whooooaaaa..." they heard coming in unison from upstairs. "Coooool..."

"Must be a good one." Janine smirked.

"Oh yes. It's the one where Bill Nye follows a blade of grass through a horse's digestive tract. The esopahgus, the stomache, the small intestine--which is the best part, by the way--the colon..."

All of the four of the younger Ghostbusters except Roland looked at each other and grimaced in disgust.

Roland was delighted. "That IS a good one...I can watch it again and again..."

"Once was enough for me." Janine rolled her eyes.

"I think once would be too much" Eduardo said, pantomiming throwing up.

Then the phone started ringing again.

"No no no no no..." Garrett growled. "That absolutely cannot be a call after this morning..."

"Ghostbusters." Janine answered with practiced expediency. "Hello? Hey, listen, if this is one of those obscene calls I...oh, sorry. No problem. Uh huh. Yeah. No, they'll be right there." She turned and glared at the four Ghostbusters, who collectively rolled thier eyes and groaned. "Thanks for your call."

Roland sighed. "So what we got?"

"Laundromat on 53rd street--poltergiests hitting the sheets..."

"Aw, man...and with maybe kids around..." Eduardo deadpanned.

"Then I suggest you get on it." Egon said sternly.

"Sir yes sir!!!" the four said in unison and soluted him. He rolled his eyes and smirked approvingly as they piled into the ECTO-1 and left.

Janine went over to her husband and put her arm around his waist. That intense look was one she knew very well.

"This about Dweeb and Loone?"

He pushed his glasses up with one finger. "It's bringing back a memory or two I'd rather not relive. After what nearly happened to..."

"Don't worry about that, Egon. That was seventeen years ago. You heard what Roland and the others said--these two are even more of a pathetic joke than they were then. Far more likely to hurt themselves that one of us--I mean, look at this piece of crap Kylie brought back. They ain't gonna hurt anyone with that."

"True." he admitted.

"Now maybe you'd better get back up there--the little monsters are being waaay too quiet for my liking."

"True enough. They might be trying to rewire the satellite box again..."

"Well, we know which side of the family they get that from..."

Egon Spengler laughed, spared a quick kiss to his wife's cheek, and went upstairs to see how their children were getting along.

"Besides, if you think I'm goin' up there with 'This Horse's Anus' running, forget it" she smirked, and plopped back down at her desk. But somehow, she just couldn't relax. Somehow, the voices of her children...and the mention of Dweeb and Loone...something seemed to tug gently at the edge of her memory...

* * *

Two sets of eyes watched the ECTO-1 pull away from Ghostbusters Central.

"Heh heh heh..." Norman chuckled from the phone booth across the street.

"A brilliant plan..." Herbert gloated. "We distract them with a fake call..."

"Then we get what we want..." Norman finished cryptically.

* * *

"You think everything will be all right here while I go to the Radio Shack?" Egon asked Janine.

She smirked and handed him the keys to her yellow Volkswagen. "Any chance you can get the little monsters to go with you?"

"I'll go!!!" Johnathan piped up. "Road trip!!! Road trip!!!"

Eden looked up from the reception desk computer, staring with her large blue eyes. "Um...do I have to?"

"Of course not, Sweetheart..." Janine responded. _Rats_...she thought to herself. _So much for_ Word Whomp!..._darn kid's almost beat my high score already_...

"I guess it is Guys Day Out, then..." Egon stated simply, picking up John.

"Cool!!!" the boy shouted, making sure to look back and stick his tongue out at his sister. She just stuck hers back out at him.

With them gone, Janine walked over to her daughter. "So I guess it's just us girls then, huh?"

"It would appear..." Eden responded simply.

_She's definitely her father's child_...Janine remarked to herself, not for the first time nor the last..._The most precisely speaking four-year old I ever met_...

Slimer floated down, a banana peel still sticking out of his mouth.

"Except, does Slimer count, Mother? I know everybody refers to him with boy pronouns, but is that technically accurate."

"Kiddo, after twenty years I still don't know." Janine chuckled. "Not even your Dad knows..."

Eden whirled around with a look of shock on her face.

"You are joking!!!'

"Eden, dear, your Dad may be the smartest man in the world, but there are some things even he doesn't know."

Slimer floated over to the computer screen. He babbled something quite confused...but he knew better than to touch the screen. Janine had threatened him enough times...

The doors to GBCentral loudly crashed open.

Two dirty men walked into the garage. One of them kept looking back and forth.

"May we help you?" Eden asked innocently...

Slimer wrinkled his nose. "Bleck..." he sputtered.

"You are quite stinky..." Eden commented.

Janine studied the two dirty fellows for only a few seconds....they looked different, to be certain, but with Roland's account fresh on her mind..."YOU!!!"

Loone jumped and grabbed her. "I remember you, too...you were the little bimbo hanging around with Supergeek..."

"Eden!!! Run!!!" Janine shouted.

But Draverhaven was faster. He grabbed the girl. "Don't try anthing stupid, Miss Melnitz, or this child will be the worse for it."

"Mother?" Eden cried out.

"Just do what the dirty jerk says for now, Eden." Janine responded. Draverhaven tugged his collar-- they had to get this done quick. There was murder in the redheaded woman's eyes now.

"Cooperate with us, and noone will be harmed." Draverhaven said, grabbing one of the extra proton packs from a locker. It was one of the "older" packs, ironically enough, the ones that Roland and Egon had created six years before...

"What do you want, Dweeb?" Janine asked him with icy anger.

"Where are the Ghostbusters? The real Ghostbusters?" Loone demanded.

"Doctor Venkman is in LA. Doctor Stantz and Mister Zeddemore are in England on company business."

"Explains why all of the scabs are here today..." Loone chuckled. "And I'm sure they'll be occupied with their false alarm for a while--by the time they drive to the laundromat and get back, we will be finished with what we need to do..."

"Which is?"

"Have what is rightfully ours restored to us..." Draverhaven answered with an evil smirk.

* * *

"Howabout we get one of those porm magazines?" John asked his father.

Egon's eyebrow shot up. "Son, do you even know what a, um, 'porm' magazine is?"

"Nope...but I heard Uncle Pete talking about his porm collection..."

"Son, between your Uncle Peter and your Cousin Victor, I have concerns about the influences on you..."

"You're still mad about Vic and I dropping water balloons on Doo Doo Head?"

"His name is Louis, not 'Doo Doo Head', and he's an important officer of Ghostbusters International. Your cousin is twenty four and should really know better..."

Egon and John headed up to the counter. "So about the porm mags..."

"They don't sell those here." Egon told him briskly. The cashier stared at him as she rung up his purchases.

"Hi lady!!!' John chipped in.

The cashier smiled as she took Egon's GBI SuperCard. "This little charmer takes after his dad, doesn't he?"

"So I've been told by his mother." Egon replied with just a touch of amusement showing, scrawling his signature on the charge slip.

Suddenly, Egon was hit with a wet, green ball of green slime.

"Slimer!!! Maybe he knows where to get a porm mag!!!" John giggled.

Egon pulled the frantic Class Five off of him, as it babbled with much excited worry. "Slimer, slow down, what..."

Slimer spun three times, and babbled again, a little slower, but still quite clearly panicked.

"Eden and Janine!!!" Egon said, teeth clenching.

* * *

The ECTO-1 was about to enter the traffic snarl when the phone rang.

"Ghostbusters Mobile" Garrett said, picking up the phone.

"Probably Missus S..." Eduardo sneered. "Forgot to buy another crate of doughnuts for Slimer or something..."

"Slow down, Professor...you want us to what?"

_"Abort the call and return to GBCentral..."_ Spengler barked into the phone. _"Something is happening there--the call can wait."_

Garrett turned to Roland. "Back it up, Alfonso...the Brain says something's up at HQ.."

"Great..." Roland muttered, hitting the ECTO-1's turn blinker.

Garrett made a rude face as the connection with Egon was abruptly cut off.

"So much for picking up Conchita early, huh?" Eduardo said, resignedly.

"Yeah..." Kylie agreed, squeezing his hand.

* * *

"You're not gonna get away with this, you nutjobs..." Janine sneered as the two led her into the basement.

"Shut up, bitch!!! We're calling the shots here--do what we say or..." Draverhaven said threateningly, pressing the thrower he was carrying into Eden's cheek.

Draverhaven and Loone had outfitted themselves with two proton packs from upstairs--ironically enough, two of the plasma core-based packs used by Garrett, Roland, and Eduardo years before.

"You harm one hair on my daughter's head, you sorry excuse for a scientist, and I'll hunt you down to the far corners of the Earth..."

Draverhaven and Loone shrunk back just a little. Truth to tell, neither of them were nearly as in control as they tried to appear. The look in Janine Spengler's eyes was scaring the hell out of them.

They went up to massive Ecto Containment Unit, humming steadily.

"We want you to take something out of there." Draverhaven said.

"You're shitting me." Janine bit back.

"We want you to unleash the Sleaze, Norman's old enemy..." Loone explained. "It was when the...other Ghostbusters captured him that our fortunes changed...it was when they caught him that we ended up as laughing stocks and got thrown into that asylum..."

"And you guys trying to murder Doctor Venkman and me had nothing to do with any of that, right?"

"Shut up and just let the Sleaze out!!!" Draverhaven roared.

Janine turned and glared at them. "I can't. I could open a pinpoint fracture in the containment grid..." _You don't know Egon Spengler as long as I have and not pick up things like that..._ "But picking one entity out of the thousands in there is impossible."

"You got the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man out!!!" Draverhaven pointed out. "He appeared in that commercial."

"True..." Janine admitted. She was telling them the honest truth, of course, but also stalling for time. She'd seen Slimer barrell out unnoticed and hoped to Adonai he had enough sense in his mind to find Egon, and lead him here..."But we had our pet ghost enter the grid with a return system. And not only is Slimer not here, I don't even know if Egon has the equipment anymore. I think Doctor Venkman cannibalized it back in '86 to build his 'ghost attractor'..."

Loone was in the middle of an appropriately scatological response when a new sound entered the room. The familiar click and whine of a proton accellerator being armed.

"I would recommend you stand away from both my wife and my daughter immediately." came an even, but stern command.

"Father!!!" Eden cried happily to the man standing at the top of the staircase, training a particle thrower on the crowd in the basement.

"We have hostages!!! Don't do anything hasty!!!" Draverhaven cried out, nevertheless feeling more nervous by the moment. _It's the look in his eyes..._He thought to himself..._the same scary look the woman has..._

"Harm one follicle on my offspring's head, and every particle of your body will be taking seperate vacations. You have my word on that." Egon replied, his eyes narrowing.

Draverhaven and Loone threw the two female Spenglers, and backed off, Draverhaven quickly sweeping the thrower back and forth. Janine grabbed Eden and ran for the staircase.

"They want to open the Containment Unit and release the Sleaze!!!" Janine shouted.

Draverhaven and Loone fired at Egon, incincerating part of the railing and knocking him back. They both missed, but Egon was stunned.

"Egon!!!" Janine yelled, reaching him. Eden hugged him, tears starting to well into her large blue eyes.

"...i feel like the floor of a taxi cab..." he moaned, to his daughter's delight.

Janine had grabbed his thrower to return fire..._But how can I fire at them in here? I'll hit..._"The Containment Unit!!!" she shouted, in horror.

Draverhaven and Loone had fixed their beams on it and were firing.

The familiar klaxon began to sound. Egon and Janine had heard it several times before, though the first time--when Peck shut them down in 1983--would always remain the most fixed in their minds.

"The armor plating on this thing is deflecting most of the charge!!!" Loone snarled.

"Aim at the part on the front!!!" Draverhaven replied, training the beam on the ghost trap access portal on the front.

There was a loud sizzle and electronic popping from the portal.

"YOU IDIOTS!!!" Janine screamed, by now having gone back down to the floor. They were so caught up in their handywork they didn't realize she was there--until she grabbed their heads and slammed them together.

"Janine--the plasma induction regulator!!!" Egon cried, pulling himself back up unsteadily, trying to keep Eden behind him. "The blinking red light on the access--you need to hit it before..."

She was too late.

The trap access exploded in a shower of dark green ecto slime.

_The backup inductors have activated...but something was at the accessway when the containment field weakened for a millisecond_...Egon's computer brain told him automatically. _But what got out?_ "Janine?"

She shouted something that, in her right mind, she would not be saying with her four year old daughter in earshot.

"Janine!!! Don't move!!!"Egon commanded as the slime began to bubble and warp. He flailed for the thrower he'd dropped...

The green slime congealed into a human shape. A gangly figure wearing biker leathers and boots; his head was a skull, however, adorned only with straggly wisps of hair and a biker cap. "Whoa..." it said, looking around. "Thanks for springin' me, Babe...your little sister like put me in there, so it's like totally cool..." it said, regarding Janine sputtering on the floor.

Egon's computer brain flashed through it's data banks...but under the circumstance it might be forgiven for not coming up with an immediate match. "Do not move!!!" he commanded, finally locating his thrower.

"F*** you, PIG!!!" the skeletal figure replied, shooting Egon a middle finger. There was another blast of ectoplasm and a Harley Davidson, enshrouded in whispy green smoke appeared.

"Wicked!!!" the biker cried, hopping on the cycle.

"I said don't..." Egon tried to reiterate.

The spectral motorcycle revved it's motor and it charged him, the rider laughing maniacally...

* * *

To Be Continued

* * *

Disclaimer: Dr. Loone and Nick the Biker Punk came from the Ghostbusters International role playing game, the 1989 and 1986 editions respectively.  
Conchita Rivera created by EGB Fan

* * *

FB 90103m F31134  
014


	2. Chapter 2

**Extreme Ghostbusters: Revenge of the Jersey Turnpike Terror, Part Two**

By Fritz Baugh  
GBI Case File GBNY-2003-21/134

* * *

**Previously**

* * *

After a job at the phone company, Eduardo, Kylie, Garrett, and Roland are assaulted in a Burger King by two strange men ranting and raving about being the "real" Ghostbusters. When the four get back to GBCentral, Egon and Janine explain that the men were Norman Draverhaven and Herbert Loone, two washed-up wannabes.  
After calling in a false alarm, Draverhaven and Loone sneak into GBCentral and take Janine and Eden hostage to force the Ghostbusters to release their old enemy, the Sleaze, from the Ecto Containment Unit. Instead, a familiar looking spectral biker emerges...

* * *

**Chronology: Ghostbusters Omnibus Timeline Year Twenty-One (2003)  
Ghostbusters Central**

* * *

The ECTO-1 pulled up to Ghostbusters Headquarters. Kylie Griffin was studying a PKE meter (the new Version 3 Egon Spengler had completed development of only a few months before) "I'm getting a PK trace from the garage...I..."

She didn't finish the thought, as the garage doors flew open, and a smoking Harley ridden by a skeleton barrelled out at at least a hundred miles and hour.

"JESUS!!!" Roland screamed and jammed the brakes, trying to swerve and dodge...but failing.

The motorbike collided with the ECTO-1 in an explosion of dark green ectoplasm, and the skeleton was thrown like a rag doll over the top of the Cadillac.

Roland somehow brought the ECTO to a halt only inches from a collision with the front door of their own headquarters.

The skeleton pulled himself off the ground, apparently unhurt. "Wicked..." he said, dusting off his biker leathers, his skull face contorting into an eerie grin. He snapped his gloved fingers and the oily green puddle of slime bubbled and reshaped itself into his ectoplasmic motorcycle. He got onto the bike, revved it loudly, and rode swiftly into the night, tires screeching.

"Jersey Turnpike here I come!!! Huh hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!" he laughed as he rode off.

Eduardo pulled himself upright, a painful welt already beginning to form where his forehead abruptly hit the window. "Kylie? Roland? Garrett?"

"Not so loud, Torgo...some of us are trying to sleep..." Garrett's voice shot back.

Kylie was already opening her door. "Egon and the kids were here..we gotta..."

Just then Johnathan Christopher Spengler, Egon's four-year old son, ran up to the ECTO-1, Slimer babbling worredly behind him. "Whoa! Cool! He wiped out on you!!!"

Eduardo regarded the red haired boy and was glad he'd sired a daughter. "Glad we could amuse you, Juan..."

"Slimer, John, where are your parents and sister?" Kylie went over to them, as Roland studied his own PKE meter. Garrett was arming himself.

"Only residual PK in the area..." Roland commented.

"I was at the Radio Shack with Dad when Slimer came in all spastic an' stuff so Dad started back home, but when we got there he had me and Slimer stay in Mom's car...then there was some loud noises and then you guys showed up an' Mr. Skull Head plowed into you on his Harley. Save for his ectoplasmic nature, the kinetic force of the impact probably woulda' been really destructive."

Eduardo and Garrett flanked the garage door like swat officers. "Who's goin' first?" Eduardo asked him.

"Who's got better mobility?" Garrett smirked back.

Eduardo kicked open the door and jumped in, thrower primed...

Egon and Eden were leading Janine up the stairs. Mrs. Spengler was covered in dark green slime, and sputtering angrily. "Damn fool morons..."

"Professor?" Eduardo asked.

"We're fine--you and Roland get downstairs and restrain our two guests." Egon commanded briskly, leading his wife to her chair at the reception desk.

"Is it safe?" Garrett asked.

"As much as usual." Egon answered. With that, Kylie turned John and Slimer loose to run inside.

"Mom? You okay?"

Slimer babbled concern also.

"I'm fine...the pigf...the jerk slimed me on his way out, that's all..." Janine grumbled, trying to wipe the slime off her triangular glasses.

"Kylie, perhaps you should help Janine upstairs to the shower. You do still have an extra set of clothing here, right?"

Janine nodded to Egon. "I learned that lesson early." she chuckled. "Just hand me a petrie dish so I can get a sample for you..." The two exchanged a similar smirk at the private joke.

After Kylie and Janine headed upstairs, Eden asked Egon "Mother..._is_ going to be all right, isn't she?"

Egon nodded. "Of course. My scan detected no lingering psychokinetic after effects..."

"So what the heck was that thing, Professor?" Garrett asked.

"It might be quicker to just locate the case file..." Egon replied, starting to page through the database on the computer.

"Where you want these _cucharachas_, Professor?" Eduardo asked as he and Roland dragged the semiconscious forms of Norman Draverhaven and Herbert Loone up the stairs and into the garage.

"Tie them to the fire pole for now. I don't have time to deal with them immediately." Egon responded simply.

"You stinkyheads hurt my Mom!!!" John shouted, kicking Loone on the shin.

"Ow!!!' Loone exclaimed. "That hurt you little..." his angry snarl stopped abruptly as he opened his eyes to look at John. "AAAHHHH!!!" he screamed with something that sounded an awful lot like terror. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!"

John, as confused as anyone, stepped back from the shouting lunatic.

Egon looked at Loone's scene, something was tugging at the edge of his memory, but he couldn't identify what--which annoyed him. But it would be a problem for another time, as the computer booted up the file he'd called for.

Kylie came down the stairs. "I guess I better call Beth and tell her we're gonna be late after all..."

"Egon's got the file..." Roland pointed out the screen to Kylie.

_

* * *

_

GBI Case File GBNY-1991-9/120  
Subject: Nicholas Calmerro  
Identification: Class IV Focused, Non Terminal Repeating Phantasm  
PKE Reading: Valence 4; -435 gev

_Nicholas Calmerro became deceased on March 13, 1991 during a vehicular accident incurred on Interstate 95, an accident apparently at least influenced by the presence of crystal methaamphetamine in his system at the time of said incident. He suffered a fatal crash on Exit 13A and one month later manifested as a Repeating Phantasm apparently focused on the I-95 area, specifically the area designated the "Jersey Turnpike". The entity manifested full torso and rode around the area of it's focus on a psychokinetically generated replica of Calmerro's Harley Davidson motorcycle After a chase by the GBNY staff in their ECTO-1 proved insufficient, GBNY Staff Member Janine Melnitz was employed in a sting operation that successfully captured the entity.__  
ES:jm_

* * *

"Great. A biker punk from hell." Kylie said as she rolled her eyes.

"Calmerro met his demise on the New Jersey Turnpike..." Egon explained. "We believe that after his death he became obsessed with continuing to ride it on his motorcycle, although with even less concern for his safety..."

"He's already dead" Garrett summed up. "What's the danger of wiping out, right?"

"Great He's probably more of a danger to traffic than Doctor Stantz..." Eduardo sighed.

Egon stifled a chuckle. "Peter said something similar twelve years ago, as I recall..."

"So what does this mean, Professor...the 'sting operation' Mrs. S pulled?"

Egon coughed and started to nervously clean his glasses, sparing a quick look at the direction of the staircase. "Eden, Johnathan, perhaps you should wait in the kitchen for your mother..."

John and Eden looked and each other, then started toward the stairs.

"Slimer...go with the Twins, please?" Egon requested.

The Twins looked a little disappointed, like _Rats. A babysitter_. Slimer got a look of terror on his face and gulped hard.

After they left, Roland spoke first. "Okay, Professor, what's so bad you couldn't talk about it in front of your kids?"

"The...er, 'sting operation' we were forced to use was Peter's idea. It proved effective, but Janine was...disgruntled about the method employed. Essentially...Venkman had her dress in a manner befitting the stereotype of the sort of woman of...low class associated with motorcycle gangs."

"Missus S dressed like a biker slut?" Eduardo interjected. "You got any pictures?"

Egon spared him a disapproving look. Kylie wasn't so kind--she smacked him on the back.

"So you thinkin' a repeat appearance?" Garrett asked.

"No." Egon replied. "Calmerro recognized Janine as someone similar to the one that captured him twelve years ago--misidentifing her as Janine's 'older sister'. But while he wasn't bright enough to either realized that significant time had passed or that Janine was, in fact, the same person, he still caught the similarity. I think he would do so again."

"Janine has a real older sister, right?"

Kylie exhaled loudly. "Eddie, what the hell does that have to do with anything?"

Egon gave them both that disapproving look again.

"Okay...but do you think he's canny enough to not fall for the same trick twice? Even if the bait is younger and hotter?" Garrett asked, smirking.

"I don't follow you..." Egon responded.

Eduardo's face broke into his own attempt at the cheshire Venkman grin. "Yeah..now there we go..."

Kylie Griffin's head looked abruptly between Eduardo and Garrett. "Drop. That. Thought. Now."

"It's for the team, Kylie..." Garrett said as he nudged her with his right elbow.

Egon removed his glasses and began to rub his eyes. "I would theorize that Calmerro is suitably guided by his hormonal impulses. However..."

"There is no way in Hell you are getting me dressed up like that." Kylie said firmly to Eduardo, assuming her best _Challenge me and you sleep on the couch for a month_ voice.

Garrett chimed in. "Okay, I think we lost that one. But I have another idea..."

* * *

**Two hours later**

* * *

"I get double hazard pay for this..." the person in the biker leather, fishnet stockings, bitch boots, and long, flowing brown wig muttered.

"We'll even spring for a delousing if necessary." Garrett answered brightly.

The leather clad person fiddled with the long, flowing brown wig again. Long, flowing brown hair pulled close to better hide the conspicuously unladylike goatee adorning his face. "And I swear to Jesus, if Conchita ever ever EVER finds out about this, I'll break your arms..."

"Promise is a promise." Garrett replied, rolling to his hiding place. "Torgette."

Eduardo flipped him off. "If the freak doesn't show up in three hours, it's Roland's turn..." he muttered to himself.

"We're all in position, Professor." Roland informed Egon through his cell phone. "Eduardo and the outhouse are set up..."

_"Excellent"_ Egon's voice returned. _"Just remember, this could be a long stake out. You're near the spot where Calmerro became deceased, and where he was captured the first time. It seems to be a focal point of his manifestations, but not an overriding one."_

"Understood, Sir..." Roland nodded.

Garrett rolled his eyes and mouthed the words "Understood, Sir" with a mocking face.

"Mrs. Spengler and the kids situated?" Kylie asked.

_"Janine's already taken the Twins home. They've had enough excitement for one day...As had Slimer. They'd just trapped him in a milk bottle."_

"Doctor V. will be so jealous..." Garrett chuckled.

"What about Loone and Draverhaven?" Kylie continued.

_"We didn't have the time to deal with them, so we let them go. I'm not worried about them..."_

"You let them go?!?" Roland asked incredulously.

_"Janine had a...stern talk with them. Like I said--I'm not worried."_

All three younger Ghostbusters looked at each other. Each having been on the recieving end of one of Janine Spengler's lectures at one time or another, they _almost_ felt sorry for the two losers.

_"How the Hell do chicks stand these shoes?"_ they heard Eduardo muttering from his connection.

"We don't, Eddie. Why do you think I never wear them either?" Kylie teased back.

_"It's gonna be a long night..."_ Eduardo grumbled.

* * *

Eduardo's feet were killing him by the time he heard Roland's unanticipating sigh. _"It''s been three hours, Eduardo...time to...huh?"_

" 'Huh?' What? Believe me, I'm ready to drop this gig--it's a real drag, y'know..."

_"I'm getting a PK reading, Eduardo!!! It's coming this way!!! Valence 4, Negative 435 GEVs...it's him!!!"_

"This ain't fair!!! Just not f***ing fair!!! Five more minutes--just five more minutes!!!"

_"Quiet, Torgette!!! You're supposed to be a lady!!! Try to imagine what that's like...with as little example as we get around here...OW!!!"_

Eduardo muttered several of the most vile curses he could think of, and hefted a can of Budweiser...

Sure enough, the spectral form of Nick Calmerro and his ectoplasmic Harley screamed by before stopping abruptly, with a loud squeal of tires and a loud crash. Nick promptly recongealed and swaggered over to Eduardo.

"Hey Baby..."

Eduardo affected his best falsetto. "I know what you want, Big Guy...I got it..." he carressed the Bud can lovingly. "Think you could handle it?"

"Huh huh huh huh huh huh..." Nick chuckled. "Last Babe who offered me something like that stuck me in that crappy place with all the ghosts...but gosh, I love beer!!!"

_Madre Dios...he's on to us..._

"But Hell, what are the odds of that happening twice in one week?" Nick leaned in and put an arm over Eduardo's shoulders. Eduardo had to actively supress his gag reflex--the skeleton smelled terrible. "Lead on, Hot Stuff..."

"He's falling for it..." Roland whispered to the others.

"That guy really _is_ a dumbass..." Garrett quipped.

Eduardo lead Nick towards the outhouse, where the ghost trap was waiting..._Just a few more moments then I can puke my brains out and be done with it..._

"NEVER FEAR, YONDER MAIDEN!!!" a loud voice screamed out suddenly.

_What the f***?_ the four Ghostbusters all thought in unison.

"THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THIS FOUL OTHERWORLDLY TERROR!!!"

With that, Herbert Loone and Norman Draverhaven ran out of the bushes on the other side of the outhouse where the ECTO-1 was hidden. Draverhaven had his photon pack, and Loone brandished a glass jar containing a curious yellow object that looked like a sponge.

"You freaks again???" Eduardo burst out increduously in his normal voice.

"Who're these jackasses?" Nick asked, not seeming to notice his "date"'s voice dropping about two octaves. "Um, Dudes, I'm like, trying to get drunk and maybe get lucky here, so could you like, go bug somebody else?"

For his efforts, Nick was hit with a photon beam.

"Hey!!! Watch where you aim that thing!!!" Eduardo screamed, having nearly been hit himself.

Draverhaven was hopping with psychotic glee. "I told you I got it working!!! Hah hah hah hah hah!!!"

The monkey on his shoulder bit his ear.

"I said Draverhaven and Loone are here!!!" Roland was repeating to the incredulous Spengler. "And Draverhaven's gun is working!!!"

"Don't any of you move!!!" Kylie snarled as she jumped from cover, brandishing her proton pistol.

"Whoa...another hot chick..." Nick quickly offered. "Mena...menagie...that threesome thing!!! Awesome idea!!!"

"Time for me to show you amateurs how it's done!!!" Loone grinned, hoisting the glass jar.

_"A glass jar?"_ Egon's voice asked with growing concern. _"Roland, do not let him throw that!!!"_

Too late.

The jar shattered on the ground right in front of Nick, revealing that the yellowish object was, indeed...

...A sponge.

"What the?" Nick said, as the sponge started to throb.

"Feel the power of my masterpiece, foul otherworldly thing!!!" Loone shouted, "A ghost catching device so powerful even the fake Ghostbusters fear it!!! The Ghost Sponge!!!"

"Well, your 'Ghost Sponge" is bogus, Nerdlinger, just like you....now why don't you let me and my lady..." Just then Nick noticed he was starting to distort, ectoplasmic hunks starting to pull away and be drawn to the sponge. "What the f***?"

"It's...working!!!" Kylie admitted.

"This is so bogus!!! This ain't fair!!! What have I done to deserve this twice in one week!? This sucks a...." he was griping as he was pulled into the sponge.

"Professor..." Roland said into the microphone. "it worked..."

Loone went over to the sponge, and picked it up. "So who's bad now, you snot-nosed punks? I'll tell you who's bad--WE are bad!!! " he gloated, high-fiving Draverhaven.

Eduardo grumbled as Kylie went up to him. Kylie kept her gun at the ready, as did Garrett. "Not too bad a job, Eddie. You aughta dress like a girl more often."

"I could say the same thing to you" Eduardo retorted.

"And here I was thinking of rewarding you for being such a good sport..."

"Oh...really?"

"Yeah...I mean, Beth _did_ say she'd watch Conchita all night if she had to..."

"Oh, man, I really don't need to hear any of this...." Garrett chimed in, looking ready to hurl.

"Enjoy your moment, fools...with us back in action, you so-called Ghostbusters had better just pack up and...what the?"

The sponge started to vibrate wildly in his hand, jumping out of it and landing on the ground, continuing to jump and shake.

"What's it doing, Herbert???" Draverhaven shouted. "I thought you said you'd fixed it!!!"

"I DID!!!" Loone shot back.

The sponge started to distort, and grow, and reshape itself.

_"Exactly what I was afraid of..."_ Egon's voice came into Roland's ear, with quiet exasperation.

In ten seconds, the sponge was about fifteen feet tall, and humanoid in appearance. In fact, it looked like a lumpy, spongy version of a skeleton in biker leathers.

"WHOAAAAA..." the creature shouted, a deeper, booming version of Nick's voice. "THIS IS THE BEST METH I'VE EVER HAD!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! EXCELLENT!!!"

Loone and Draverhaven screamed and ran.

"FULL STREAM ON THREE!!! THREE!!!" Roland shouted. He, Kylie, and Garrett opened fire.

The beams hit the creature that was once Nick, but seemed to splash off of him.

"Oh Hell..." Garrett snarled.

_"The positive ions in the sponge are repelling the proton beams"_ came Egon's voice, steely with authority. _"I would suggest a tactical withdrawal"_

"No need to tell me twice, Sir..." Roland answered "Egon says run for it!!!" he told his comrades.

"LEAVING SO SOON, BABY? LET'S DITCH THE DORK PATROL AND GET...FUNKY..." Nick rambled, reaching out to grab Eduardo before he could take three steps.

"Eddie!!!" Kylie shouted, blasting Nick's ankle.

The monster planted a kiss on Eduardo's cheek, and lumbered off, carrying the protesting Ghostbuster. Eduardo was screaming every Spanish curse word he knew.

"Hang on, Eddie---we'll get you out of this!!!" Kylie shouted as the three ran to ECTO-1 to pursue.

"Does it make any difference that I'm really a dude???" Eduardo asked Nick in his deepest possible voice.

"HUH...HUH HUH HUH...YOU'RE HOT, BABY...DUDE OR NOT..."

"Great." Eduardo grumbled. "I thought if I listened to Carlos and stayed out of jail, I wouldn't have this problem!!!'

* * *

The ECTO-1 followed the quickly lumbering monster, Egon's voice now coming over the speaker phone. _"The Ghost Sponge was Loone's invention that, he thought, would get him into Ghostbusters...Peter let him tag along on a bust...this was before Draverhaven started making trouble for us, I should note. Anyway, it was a standard job--three Class Four's who were rather...unsettled at their home being reoccupied by the living. Loone used his 'Ghost Sponge' but when the ghosts were absorbed, they actually took possession of the sponge and used it as a material body, much like it sounds Calmerro is doing. 'Ghostzilla' was the colorful name Ray gave the creature created..."_

"So how did you stop it? Blasting it didn't seem to work" Roland asked.

_"It wouldn't"_ Egon pointed out. _"The sponge is soaked in positive ions--the particle streams are also positively charged, so they repel each other. Fortunately, the ion immersion in the sponge prevents the same effect as crossing two streams.."_

"Which is bad" Garrett deadpanned.

_"Correct. The strategy we employed was one of enticing the ghosts to leave the sponge, where they could be contained through the standard methods. However, we were surrounded by the house and belongings the entities treasured in their mortal lives--it would be difficult to implement that strategy in this circumstance._

"We could go to Nick's home...contact relatives...maybe there's something there..."

"We don't have time, Roland" Kylie bit. "Eddie won't last that long."

"Yeah. His virginity is on the line now, y'know..."

Kylie bopped Garrett on the back of the head.

_"Kylie? Roland? That other guy? You still there?"_ Eduardo's voice crackled over the link.

"Eddie!!! You all right?" Kylie responded with understandable concern.

_"I'm being drug off to be sodomized by a fifteen foot biker ghost!!! I'M JUST FINE!!!!"_

"We're right behind you, Eduardo...we're trying to come up with a plan..." Roland tried to reassure him.

"Of course, we're coming up crap so far..." Garrett added.

_"You guys are so reassuring"_

"I dunno...couldn't we like, reverse the polarity of the neutron flow or something, Professor?" Garrett offered.

_"That would be bad."_ Egon replied simply.

"Yeah...it'd cause a PK neutralization and the explosion would take Eduardo out in the process..." Roland clarified.

"Okay, that's bad, thanks for the tip, Roland"

_"Okay...I got an idea..."_ Eduardo's voice came over the system.

All four listeners were stunned silent

_"This guy's a hornball right? Follow my lead..."_

* * *

"Hey, Nick..." Eduardo shouted to his captor.

"HUH?"

"I got an idea...you want some real babes, right?"

"UH HUH HUH HUH HUH....HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH...."

"Well ,there's a great strip club I know..."

"STRIP CLUB? HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH...."

_" 'Strip Club'?"_ Kylie shouted indignantly.

"Dante's Inferno Room..." Eduardo kept talking. "It's one of my pal Peter's favorite spots....before he got hitched and all..."

"HUH HUH...YOU SAID PETER..."

_"Is it just me or is this guy sounding more like Butt Head every moment?"_ Garrett's voice broke in.

_"It's possible."_ Egon returned. _"Whatever 'improvements' Loone supposedly made on the sponge might be causing some sort of reaction. Kylie, what's the omicron harmonic showing?"_

_"Five two. And it's falling..._

_"Calmerro is slowly merging with the sponge's substance. When that occurs, he will be mindless and unstoppable--he can't be seperated from the sponge then.. Eduardo--keep provoking him."_

_"I can't believe the Professor just said follow one of Eddie's plans..."_

"Bite me,. Miller..." Eduardo muttered into the mic.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the giant sponge Nick lumbered to the front of the Dante's Inferno Room strip club.

"You'll see all the naked babes you want there, Nick..." Eduardo cajoled him. "Real babes--without facial hair...and authentic sets of..."

"NICK WANT BABES...HUH HUH HUH...HUH HUH HUH...."

The ECTO-1 pulled up not far behind. Kylie, Garrett, and Roland got out, particle throwers ready.

Nick walked toward the door.

_"Be patient..."_ Egon's voice sounded to the four Ghostbusters. _"You'll only have one shot at this..."_

Nick stopped, confused.

"CAN'T GET IN DOOR..."

"Too bad, _Muchacho_...no babes for you, I guess..."

'NICK WANT BABES!!!" he shouted, howling and thrashing. He dropped Eduardo, and continued to howl "NICK WANT BABES!!!"

"Then get out of the sponge!!!" Eduardo shouted at him. "Then you'll be small enough!!!"

Nick screamed, and then suddenly the sponge crashed to the ground, green vapor pouring out of it. Within seconds, Nick the Biker Punk recongealed.

_Another reason the Ghost Sponge failed..._ Egon would tell them later. _The entity could not resist the initial containment, but could seperate back out rather easily_

"Whoa..major crash there..." Nick muttered, staggering. "But some girl stuff will make it all feel better..."

"THREE!!!" three voices shouted in unison before Nick took two steps. Three streams crashed into Nick, pinning him against the front wall of the club.

"Let me!!!' Eduardo snarled, grabbing the Ghost Trap from Kylie's back pack. "I owe the jerk for this evening--he is the worst date I ever had!!!"

"BOGUS!!! NOT FAIR!!! BOGUS!!! THIS SUUUUUUUUUuuuuucks..." Nick howled as he was drawn into the trap.

"Occupado" Eduardo grinned.

"Brilliant summation" Roland responded. It just felt like the right thing to say.

* * *

**Ghostbusters Central  
The Next Day**

* * *

"You're sh..." Janine Spengler caught herself, her children sitting ten feet away with Conchita. "You're pulling my leg--Eduardo came up with the plan?"

"I kid you not, Mrs. S." Roland replied.

"It involved a strip club" Kylie rolled her eyes. "Classic Eduardo plan..."

"He picks up lots of bad habits." Janine smirked, shutting the door on a file cabinet. "I lost count of the times Egon and the others had to go drag Doctor Venkman out of there..."

"Anyway, Nick's all squared away, so barring another unforseen difficulty, he'll not be assaulting motorists or female pedestrians anytime soon..." Roland summarized. "Heard anything about Loone and Draverhaven?"

"Afraid not" Janine answered, taking off her glasses to wipe them. "But we filed a report with the police that they broke in here, stole some of our equipment, and threatened Eden and I. They'll either find the losers or the gruesome twosome will resurface to try and prove they're "real" Ghostbusters again, and get nabbed then. So it's win-win either way"

* * *

**Epilogue**

* * *

Jake Kong Jr. was propping up his foot on a sofa cushion when a knock came on the door.

"Eddie? Would you get that?"

His oldest friend in the world, Eddie Spencer Jr. walked over to the door and opened it.

He opened it to be confronted with two shabby men in the tattered remains of lab coats. One had a huge nose, the other was sporting an ugly toupee.

"I think it's beggars again, Jake..."

"We are not beggars!!! I am Professor Norman Draverhaven, and this is Doctor Herbert Loone. We are here because we have some wonderful innovation in Ghostbusting to share with you!!!"

"Jake?"

"We're retired, remember, Eddie?" Jake called over to the large gorilla with a propellor-topped beenie on his head. "Tracey, go wedgie those guys..."

The End

* * *

Disclaimers:  
Conchita Rivera created by EGB Fan  
Nick the Biker Punk is from _Ghostbusters: A Frightfully Cheerful Role Playing Game_ (West End Games, 1986)  
Dr. Loone and the Ghost Sponge are from _Ghostbusters International_ (West End Games, 1989)  
The Filmation Ghostbusters are 1975, 1986 Filmation.

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F3248-100503u  
016

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End file.
